The last few days have been difficult ones.
The earthquake in Japan has everyone here in Haiti remembering the trauma they experienced a little over a year ago.
There are days when I am working in the clinic in Canaan where I feel a complete sense of wholeness. A feeling of peace that I am where God wants me to be. That I am being his hands and feet in a country full of brokenness.
Then there are days where I feel so torn. I question whether I am really being a light in this darkness, or whether I am just fumbling along.
I'm stumbling through a culture not my own. And each time I make a mistake I feel just like when I was a little child in my parents church. Like everyone is staring at me. Like I really just cannot measure up.
What I desire to be and what I am are in battle with each other.
I am sacrificing, but I am selfish. I am loving, but I am impatient.
I have to fall back into the grace of my Father daily.
It brings me back to a humbleness.
I fall on my knees and ask "Who am I that You would choose me to do Your work?"
It would just be so easy to give up, to say, I'm not good enough to do this kind of work. To go back to the states and live a cookie-cutter life.
Instead, I cling to an intimate relationship with my Love... I ask Him continually to change me, because I have not the tools to do it myself.
And He is adorning me with His beauty.
He is preparing His bride.